i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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