youre lurking in front of me
I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
