if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
