We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
