Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
