Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Randomize
