Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Hello my rib-scented angel!
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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