This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
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