So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
