Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
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