I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
