U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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