he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
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There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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