Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Randomize
