We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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