you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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