I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
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