Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
