Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
