Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Randomize
