I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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