Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Randomize
