Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
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