So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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