I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize