we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
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