sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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