3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
