just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
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