im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Let's get the cat blown out
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
