Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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