I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
