We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
