I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Randomize
