You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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