And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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