3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
