Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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