my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
false alarm. still invincible.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
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