I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Vodka?
Forever.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Randomize
