How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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