I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
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