the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
