so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
