I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
