hotel room ftw
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
