swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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