Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
