If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
