He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
