Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
