Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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