Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
