umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.