The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
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I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
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I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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