she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Randomize
