next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
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