Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
