I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I faked an abortion last night.
playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
