You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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