did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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