I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
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