I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
